Crazy Cyber Monday

I figured that because it is Cyber Monday, the aisles of Fred Meyer would be less crazy.  It seems unbelievable that it is time to throw extra goodies into the cart for stocking stuffers.  It was just August, just my birthday.  School just started again, right?

Cyber Monday was real-ish to me last year.  I remember going online and finding a few deals, but I didn't realize that it is an official "thing," like, something that people look forward to.  I guess it hasn't been around forever since "cyber" has only been accessible to almost everyone in the world for the last 10 years or so. I loved the headlines like, "Record Breaking Cyber Monday..."  yeah, because we aren't really going back that far, now are we?  Online shopping has become the only way some people shop.  I see the colored amazon crates stacked outside on front porches ready for pick up and then they return, emptied once again only a few days later.  This cyber Monday bananas is just one more crazy thing that make people rush around all crazy and cranky because they're missing some deal somewhere.  Although, I did cash in on a Toys R Us gift card from my baby shower for gifts from Santa.  Cyber Monday saved me $34 on a buzz lightyear bike.  Not bad.

I feel like I just learned about Black Friday too.  When did that happen?  Maybe it's because I grew up on Whidbey Island with one stop light and we didn't have stores that participated?  Until college, I thought it was a day in February when we sang happy birthday to Martin Luther King Jr and thank you to Rosa Parks.  Really, I thought that. 

I heard on the news that some lady pepper sprayed an entire line of people so that she could get into Best Buy first.  Clips of ambulances and fire trucks whirling their red lights around in the black early morning sky came onto the TV and I laughed.  People are insane. I love a good deal as much as anyone, but there's no way in hell I need something that bad that I'm going to pepper spray a bunch of people so that I can SPRINT through the automatic doors... unless it was Justin Timberlake on the other side and it was a competition to see who could get to him first.  I'd pepper spray everyone.  Everyone.  I doubt an LG dryer has abs like JT.  I'm getting hot just thinking about that - almost like I'm inside of the LG dryer right now!

In Fred Meyer today, I was in the ornament section looking at the different assortment of glittered santas and matching reindeer's.  Baylor rides in this HUGE cart with 40 wheels that looks like a race car and is impossible to navigate around the tight store aisles. I usually park it off to the side and then shop within a 6 foot radius of the cart as to not leave my child unattended... or unentertained so that he does not throw random things into the cart (learned my lesson on that one... extra marshmallows and black licorice).  Today, all of the mamas were shopping, it's Monday morning.  It happens every Monday... the moms throw on their yoga pants, Uggs, hair in a pony and a hoodie and kill 2 hours shopping for groceries.  Everyone is pleasant and sometimes the kids smile at each other and make grocery cart friends.  It's great.  Well, today on CYBER Monday, there were a few serious shoppers mixed into our mom club... one lady was so apalled by our "car-cart" that she over dramatically stood to one side of the aisle like there were long blades protruding from the rims of the car.  I gave her the "yikes... this thing is a whale... sorrry" look and she gave me the tight lipped annoyed face.  No smile.  Just me wasting her shopping time.  I could see the clock dropping a second with each puff of smoke that left her ears, losing money and precious website click opportunities.  Our gandering was killing her.  This happened at least three more times in the store... people just annoyed that we were in their way because they just clearly had somewhere better to go. So rushed!

Ready to check out, I loaded our goods onto the counter and checked for anything that shouldn't be in there because of a two-year-old arm.  I started bullshitting with Susie, the sweet old black lady checker who called us "honey" and told me I looked "DAMN good after havin' that baby" and then she gave Baylor 4 stickers.  We chatted about how I look too young to have a child and I asked her what that means, anyway.  I told that there was a little girl who is 10 years old in Mexico that just gave birth last week and an 11 year old last year after being raped by her stepfather.  (Really, really terrible, and a major topic changer - still not sure if it's appropriate to randomly bring up - but that is too young to be having babies.)   "Chilllren havin' chilllren.  That man needs to be put AWAY!  Her mama better leave that nasty man!  Lord have mercy!"  And then Miss Susie chatted about all of her kids, how comcast has been ripping people off (I couldn't agree more), reproductive rights in Mexico and the US, and how being alone is better than being married at all (going back to the 10 year olds family situation if her mother leaves the stepfather, because Susie obviously thinks she should).  All the while, a man is waiting in line behind us HUFFING and puffing.  He was ready to blow the whole damn thing down.  He was shuffling his feet making obvious position changes like he was salsa dancing or something.  After being glared down by the mean lady in the aisle, and a few others because we were leisurly shopping in our race car cart, I just wanted to keep talking to Susie... make the guy wait.  It was kind of nasty of me... but I just wanted to take a minute, enjoy my conversation, and be people for a while without somewhere to go!  Then Susie knocked an extra 10% off of my total.  Guess there's something to chatting afterall.

The holidays come too fast, Baylor is growing up too fast, and people are moving at lightening speed.  Online shopping and pepper spraying at the door shows me that manners and social decency are becoming a thing of the past.  I am already stressed about how many people I can afford to buy Christmas gifts for, and who will hate me if I give them cookies in a pretty bag instead of something wrapped in a box with a bow.  I only have 27 more days to buy presents!  Hurry!  Run! I actually put up all of my holiday decor last week just so it would feel longer and not so hurried.  I am going to sip cider, hot cocoa and bake as much as I can.  Bay and I may just make all of our gifts right here at our kitchen table, and I might just avoid shopping altogether. 

Happy Cyber Monday!  May your cyber carts be full, your paypal accounts emptied, and your emailed receipts archived.