What about the children?

It's not the kind of thing I would have guessed I'd be attending, say, ever.  It turns out that when you have a baby with someone, you are connected to that person for as long as their is someone and something to discuss.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I hadn't totally considered this point - not that it would have really changed anything - but there's nothing to prepare you for the backwards way that your life unfolds.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage, right?

In the state of Washington,  in order to file a finalized residential schedule, each parent must sit through a four hour class called "What About the Children" in the county court house.  The class educates parents on the effects of their separation on their children, and then explains how the family court system works. 

Thank the Lord up above that I had chatted with a single mom friend of mine before the date of the class.  She had to take it too and managed to get a seat in the class I had already signed up for.  Knowing Lauren would be there made me feel a little better about the way I would spend the majority of a Friday afternoon, but I still wasn't excited to go.

The room was filled with single (or almost single...) parents - at least 60 of them.  Both men and women sat in rows flipping through the material handed to us when we entered.  "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN" across the cover of a booklet containing examples of how traumatized a child could be because of a divorce.  It sounded like a hunger campaign or a new idea for public education.  Samples of residential schedules and phone numbers for legal assistance filled the booklet.  Two women instructed the class, taking shifts, each covering a different topic.

Everyone around me seemed pretty normal.  I don't know what I expected.  Every time I think of single parents, I think of the same stigma: An overweight girl in her 20s with 5 kids running around, waiting in the DSHS office for her food stamp card.  Pregnant with the next baby so that her benefits will last longer.  It's terrible, I know.  Being raised by a single mom, and knowing plenty of others, I'm not sure why this image continues to distort  my view of single parents.  I know these types exist, but for some reason it's where my mind wanders off to. 

After I had Bay and his dad and I weren't making it work, I remember arguing with him about being a single mom - defending myself because I was trying to take pride in my new title.  Really embrace it so that it wouldn't scare me so much.  It caused me to look into the meaning of the phrase as I probably wasn't sure either.  I wasn't waiting in line for food stamps at the DSHS office, I have a college education, and I certainly don't plan on getting preggers again any time soon.  I was just a normal person with a child who wasn't married.  Sitting next to me in the class was my friend Lauren on my left - blond, gorgeous, 27, college educated with a great job; and a dad named Andrew on my right - a cute guy with two kids divorcing his wife because she doesn't want to be a mom anymore.  Each person had a story.  Each story had a different level of pain, struggle and question about if what they were doing was correct and which number to call in case something wasn't making sense. 

We watched a movie from 1994 interviewing kids on their feelings about their parent's divorces.  Some of them took the blame while others talked about what a great job their parents did communicating with them, and each other, leaving all of the fighting behind closed doors.  The only thing that the children needed to know was that both of their parents loved them.

I think Bay's dad and I are doing a good job.  I hope we are.  After sitting through the class, it seems like most of the icky stuff is behind us and time has been a valuable tool for us.  We've accepted that we have to tolerate each other and the things that used to cause a blow up, still do, but we seem to recover much more quickly. Bay will never know what it's like to have his parents married to each other - but by looking around that packed room, he's not alone.